Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Week in Wrestling: 10/8 - 10/12

Monday Night Raw

1. Wade Barrett faced Sheamus. And it's about damn time he had a high-profile opponent too! I was really excited for the return of Wade Barrett when the vignettes began, but once he came back I feel like he's lost his momentum, and the problem along the way has been the booking. He's had to face random midcarders that almost never get screen time. And then one week, he took a huge step backwards from that by being put up against some random no-name local jobber. Why? When he left, he and Randy Orton were beating the everloving hell out of each other every week. He threw Randy Orton down a flight of stairs for crying out loud... are we just supposed to forget that? His return booking has had me extremely puzzled since he returned, but when I saw that he had a match against Sheamus literally the only reaction I could have was, "Finally!" Making the sudden jump here from guy with no name to World Heavyweight Champion might seem weird, but I think it is less weird than him squaring off against jobbers after his last opponent before his hiatus was Randy motherfucking Orton. Well, it's certainly preferable anyway. The best part here is that Wade wasn't totally buried by the champion. They fought an even match until Tensai decided to break up the party and force the DQ. Why Tensai, I'm not entirely sure...

2. No Seriously, Cassandra Face Eve is the Best. I just so badly want for everything that Eve says to be true. I want her to be a real advocate for the Divas division. I want her not to have any involvement in Kaitlyn's injury. I want her to start defending her actions in the ring as just trying to be a tough, competitive Diva's Champion, because dammit that's what the division needs right now. That's why she held on to Kaitlyn's ankle so long after the bell rang. It's not because she's really a vicious bitch. It's because she wanted to be sure that the Divas understood how much this title meant for the division, and how hard they would all have to work now to claim it. It's just what these women need right now. They need a purpose in the ring again. Don't get me wrong, Eve's no Sable, but I actually think that she's just the girl to put women's wrestling back in the spotlight where it belongs.

And of course, I want Teddy Long to be driven completely insane by the fact that when this is all over, he will have to eat his words.

3. The Punk Incident. So I guess I can't write this article and not talk about all the deliciousness that happened while Vince McMahon was in the house. I loved that Punk didn't waste any time interrupting the State of the WWE Address (have I mentioned I don't like politics mixed in my wrestling?). I legitimately yelled out loud at the TV in excitement when Punk slapped Vince. I squeed with delight while Paul Heyman played the part of Only Sane Man and tried desperately and unsuccessfully to avoid unnecessary confrontation. I like Vince McMahon so much more than I did two years ago, and it's because of the doses he comes in. The dose may be small, but you can bet your ass that he is going to get the most mileage out of it that is possible. I guess I just expected Vince to turn up Monday, be serious for no reason, and leave again. I keep forgetting... this is Vincent Kennedy McMahon. So of course that didn't happen. Instead, he showed up, got knocked down, issued a challenge to the champion, and then had a match at the end of the night. "Had a Match" is probably not an accurate description. It was more like a "Violent Charisma Ballet" and it was a thing of beauty. Vince dove over a table to tackle Punk. Punk put a headset on and yelled "WHAT A MANEUVER!" before slamming Vince's head into the announce desk. It was beautiful magic. And it was all derailed by some guys in Sacramento who were clearly high. Yes, I'm talking about the arena's security team. I'm pretty sure they were all sitting in a back parking lot somewhere, passing a joint around, and at one point one of them goes, "I feel like we're forgetting something" and then there's a serious pause as they all look around at each other before they finally burst into laughter because that's clearly the paranoia talking. Except they did forget something. A very important something. They forgot that the Champion was making an exit through the crowd, and that he's a super bad guy now, and that people are dumb and need to be protected from themselves. The result was that CM Punk ended up bashing a guy in the face after taking several shots from the fans. So Yeah, fuck those Sacramento guys. I hope they're all browsing the Help Wanted ads now.


TNA Impact!

1. Zema Ion: Livin la Vida Kayfabe. I'm pretty much in love with Zema Ion at this point. I think I've mentioned that he's a big draw for me to watch TNA every week. And a big part of that is that KAYFABE LIVES. Zema's big talking point as a heel is, of course, breaking Jesse Sorensen's neck. He lives it, he revels in it, and he never drops it from your memory. And funnily enough, that was actually the moment that I realized that Zema Ion was really good at his job. Not because he broke a guy's neck. Injuries are going to happen, and they're probably going to happen a lot more often to younger wrestlers. And I'm sure it was a scary moment for Zema. When he understood what had happened, I'm sure he was concerned that he may have ended a guy's career, and had a lot of deep thinking time between tapings after that. But while he was in front of the cameras, he was a Professional Wrestler, emphasis on the Professional. He never broke character, not for a split second. He immediately embraced this mishap as part of his story as a villain. He's not just effin pretty, he's pretty effin dangerous. And that was basically his whole point on Thursday. He's so dangerous, in fact, that he's eliminated his competition for the X-Division Title and has no one to defend against on Sunday... Well, I guess RVD will fix that problem. So... yeah... great.

2. And That's Pretty Much It. Yeah, it seemed like a slow week for TNA. Lots of random matches, getting ready for the Pay-Per-View. Austin Aries continues to be... ehhhh, I dunno, it just feels painfully forced, this heel turn. And I lost interest in Aces & Eights long ago when it became clear that no one was listening to my suggestion to make Jeff Hardy the leader. I just find myself not caring all that much about most of the roster lately, so I don't feel any need to write about their stories at any length.


Friday Night Smackdown!

1. Dolph Ziggler v. Kane. More specifically, Dolph Ziggler challenged Kane for this fight after his tag team loss to Hell No on Monday. It's just another step forward for Dolph Ziggler. He struggled against Kane for a while, because it's fucking KANE and he's a MONSTER as well as being the Tag Team Champions. And then Ziggler got a bit of offense in because he needs to look strong and Kane is a Boss at making guys look awesome. In the end, Dolph forced the DQ by hitting Kane with the briefcase, which only served to remind us that Dolph Ziggler is dangerous and cunning, and to make us realize that sometime very, very soon, he is going to be our World Heavyweight Champion.

2. Aha! A Clue! Aksana apparently brought a blonde wig to Kaitlyn and Layla, claiming she found it in Eve's bag. Pish-posh! And anyway, Eve points out, since when is it okay to go through other people's belongings? Oh, hey, since that's a thing now, Eve found a blonde wig in Teddy's bag so now she thinks Teddy did it. I'm not even going to ask why anyone would have purchased and worn a blonde wig to attack Kaitlyn weeks ago and not have thrown that wig out since then. Much less why there could be multiple blonde wigs floating around the roster. I'm certainly no one to judge what other people do in their time off. However, the wig does complicate matters, because it does mean that it could be literally anyone. It could have been Hornswoggle for all we know. I think we the viewers need to have a look at this security tape so that we can try to help crack this case! How's that for an interactive show? Don't forget, Eve is an angel and a saint and speaks only truth now. And none of this "I did it for the people" crap.

Week in Wrestling: 10/1 - 10/5

Monday Night Raw

1. I Now Have Whiplash. You know what? Maybe I should lay my name down on the "suing WWE" dogpile they've been forming lately, because goddammit I cannot care less about AJ as GM. I was so super excited when it happened. Yeah, it was random, but it had such amazing potential of being a fighting-against-the-odds story where none of the roster took her seriously and she had to work really hard to get the respect of the locker room as their new boss. But they didn't run it that way. I think they're trying to run it as a power-trip story, but it's not even working as that. The girl can be really entertaining, but unfortunately, she's usually scripted to be looking blankly into the distance to avoid dealing with the issues she has to face as a GM, having screaming fits when she actually needs to get the attention of a group of unruly superstars, and just generally being really sloppily written. If they're trying to write her as crazy, this isn't how you do it. Sure, she's annoyed at the notion of needing a coach to improve her job performance. There's no one on earth who wouldn't be, because we all like to think of ourselves as doing just fine on our own. The difference between a normal person being coached on the job, and AJ being coached on the job, is that a normal person realizes there's a reason that coach is there and at least tries to find a lesson to be learned. You know, listening to the coach, saying the right things at the right time, and looking forward to not being coached anymore. AJ had pretty much the exact opposite reaction, as she spent the entire night being an exceptionally horrible person, blatantly not taking the guy seriously, and then kicking him out three hours later. I'm pretty sure that's how you get fired in most workplaces. Now, to be fair, there was actually one thing that worked for it, and that was her insistence that Mr. Nobody can't possibly know how to coach her because he's never been inside the business. It was actually kind of a good point she made; it's just too bad it got buried underneath all the rest of that ridiculous bipolar mess.

2. How Will I Know If He Really Loves Me? See, in my head, that's the song that started playing at the end of the debate between Sheamus and Big Show as they stood face to face for that money shot that's needed for every championship match promo. I hate politics in my wrestling. The debate was a debacle. Sheamus is pretty much the worst person ever next to AJ. Big Show was actually kind of entertaining here. He delivered his opening statement perfectly, chose to defend his personal hygiene before his honor, destroyed a podium and asked for another, and took the issue of the World Heavyweight Championship much more seriously than Sheamus. Sheamus tried to say that he took it seriously. Words are great like that. You can say anything you want. Nobody said it had to be true.

3. Punk is Creepy and I Like It. JR Appreciation Night. CM Punk did his regular thing that he does now and he interrupted Jim Ross to try to get him to say that Punk is the best in the world. Inexplicably, JR expressed the same thoughts that everyone else has about facing John Cena at Hell in a Cell. (Incidentally, I am now seriously considering putting together and entire "Green Eggs & Ham" style poem about all the different ways Punk needs to beat Cana tentatively titled "Green Merch & Fans") Punk kicked him out of the ring, and then the most wildly creepy and awesome thing happened. JR turned to go back to the commentary table, but before he could make it two steps, Punk grabbed him by the arm and asked him, "Where do you think you're going?" You see, when the WWE Champion tells you to get out of his ring, you should say, "Yes, sir, which direction?"  I should honestly be very uncomfortable with Punk playing the abusive boyfriend part, but holy crap, it was so over the top that I can't even overanalyze it like that.


TNA Impact!

1. Bout Damn Time. Al Snow, after reviewing the contract with Bruce Pritchard, called Joey Ryan out from the back early on in the show. To avoid a lawsuit, the company apparently agreed to some demands from Ryan, including giving him a contract. Al tried to warn Joey before he signed it, but the Sleaze was so focused on having apparently won the war that he didn't listen until it was too late. The contract was only good for one night, so yes, we're going to get Joey Ryan v. Al Snow at Bound For Glory as Ryan fights for a chance at a full contract. The amazing part to me here was just how much heat Joey Ryan was getting from the in-house crowd this week. I now need to see Joey Ryan and Zema Ion team up in some form or another. They would be magical together.

2. AND THE DOOR'S LOCKED, TOO! Well, pretty much the best part of the night was Bully Ray making his case to Sting, who, by the way, I misunderstood as also being against the rules like Hogan last week. However, apparently, Sting is cool to wrestle the biker gang, so now he just needs a partner. Bully's case, by the way, is that Aces & Eights are the reason he's not in the title match, so he wants them worse than anyone else on the roster. Sting's insanity mixed with Bully Ray's entertaining-as-fuck-heel-so-deal-with-it-ness played off of each other really well, and the segment ended with Sting telling Bully to go find someone to beat up, because "I NEED A BULLY! I'M PISSED!" Unfortunately, I was pretty exhausted on Thursday and ended up having to give up and go to bed before the big match. It looks like he won his match, Hogan and Sting still picked Mr. Anderson anyway (for no apparent reason), Anderson got attacked backstage before he could come to the ring, and Bully Ray slid in there and took the spot anyway. Seems kind of pointless to have the fake-out choice there, but whatever. It's TNA, I don't question it.

3. Bruce Pritchard is a better GM than AJ & Booker combined. Much like AJ, he doesn't really do much of anything. But much like Booker T, he wants there to be accountability for the insanity that has been happening in the ring. Here's the difference, though. Booker T is going to hear both sides of the story and go, "Well this is tough, I need to think about this, I don't know what to do about it", and wander off, trying to figure out just what it is exactly that Teddy Long does. Bruce Pritchard knows the full job description of every backstage employee and goes, "DO YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. GO FIX IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW." We saw it last week with Al Snow being berated for hitting Joey Ryan, and we see it again this week, as D'Lo is asked, "HOW THE FUCK DID MATT MORGAN MAKE IT TO THE RING? YOU NEED TO STEP UP YOUR GAME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW." You really get the feeling that these guys are Bruce's unruly teenage sons who keep getting in trouble with their wild pranks, even though they know better because their dad is chief of police and it's pretty much a given that there will be an extreme scolding as soon as they walk back in the door.


Friday Night Smackdown!

1. All Aboard the Del Rio Train! So Mike is the one who got me on this bandwagon. I didn't start out liking Alberto Del Rio, and I don't necessarily get all giddy when he shows up like my dear boyfriend does, but I have to admit the boy has a point. Del Rio is pretty great when he's allowed to be. He's been so stifled for so long being forced into an unnatural an uninteresting feud with Sheamus, the World's Blandest Champion, that I'd kind of forgotten what it was that made Del Rio so great in the first place. The man can actually be really entertaining, as we saw when he came down the ramp to Randy Orton\s music, called him a dog (which he needs to never stop doing), and even struck Orton's pose, probably better than Orton does it. This would have been greater if Otunga hadn't been addressing the WWE Universe in his underpants first, which was a dead giveaway that this was all just leading up to a match. I need to see Otunga start wearing his trunks under his lawyer pants at all shows now, because he's had too much experience now with, "I'm not even scheduled to compete tonight!" and there's something silly about Otunga just walking around backstage in his gear without a match to look forward to. Otunga is a professional, dammit, and he should wear a suit and sip on his coffee thermos at all times that he is not wrestling.

2. Booker's Terrible GMing.  So this is what I was getting at before when I was talking about Bruce Pritchard. I realize that Bruce is not the GM of the show, but GM appears to just be a decorative title these days, and no one holding that title seems really worthy of it. In the case of Booker T, I would have said a couple of weeks ago, well at least he's trying... But he kind of really isn't trying. He's making a show to make it look like he's trying. Listen, I'm a manager at my job, and I get that it can be difficult if two of the employees don't get along, but I'm generally being pretty proactive about talking to the different parties, getting their sides of the story, and trying to make a plan that will work to resolve the dispute. Here's Booker's take: He walks in on Teddy accusing Eve of having Kaitlyn attacked and giving her the "If I was in charge" speech. Booker's GM brain's first priority, remind Teddy who is in charge around here. Here he knows he has a problem and he should try to address it. He also has enough courtesy & sense to know that he shouldn't reprimand one employee in front of another employee, so he asks Eve to leave the room. And then, instead of the proper response of, "Teddy, is everything alright, man? Talk to me; tell me how you feel." he instead accuses Teddy of acting jealously, doesn't really let Teddy respond to the accusation, puffs out his chest and declares that bickering is strictly forbidden, and then forgets the next step in Respectful Workplace 101 and takes the easy go-to route of, "I gots bid-ness to attend to." exit stage left.

3. I Hear You, I Just Don't Care. That was the final message from CM Punk this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone is telling him he needs to face John Cena, the fans want him to face John Cena, King Mo wants to see him face John Cena. Therefore, he's not going to face John Cena. I realize that there was probably a lot of stalling going on here as well because of Cena's surgery, but I actually like the consistent refusal of the match here. I like it a hell of a lot better than Brock Lesnar's thing from this summer, anyway. Then again, we all knew Brock was a temporary commodity, and of course he was going to eventually agree to the match, but in this case, we don't know that from Punk. He might still get pushed over the edge at some point. Whatever. We are patient. We can wait. And when CM Punk speaks, we will listen.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Week in Wrestling: 9/24 - 9/28

Monday Night Raw

1. These Pairings Made No Sense.  So there was a lot of randomness on this episode of Raw. The Miz was paired against Ryback, because Ryback disrupted his show I guess, but then Ryback came out victorious, which upsets me because the Intercontinental Championship has a purpose, and that purpose isn't for the champion to have to lose to unstoppable monsters. I like Ryback just fine, but I love the Miz, and I fear for the prestige of the undercard titles because Miz is a step in the right direction, but I don't get the feeling that WWE cares. Meanwhile, Wade Barrett squashed Tyson Kidd... why? Why is Wade motherfucking Barrett being relegated to jobbers suddenly? When he was injured he was in the middle of feuding against Randy Orton. Wade Barrett should be barreling through the likes of THE RYBACK and shouldn't have to go to the back of the line. These designated jobber squashes are doing more harm that good for me. I mean, how hard is it for them to show us footage of Wade Barrett throwing Randy Orton down a flight of stairs to establish, "Don't fuck with this dude, he's a bad dude." He's not even making a promo here about how this match is beneath him, because it totally is. Also, Big Show interrupted a match between Brodus Clay and Tensai. Because Big Men.

2. Dolph Ziggler momentum. So the climb continues. Last week you'll recall I wasn't all that thrilled at Dolph Ziggler facing Santino, and this week I was slightly less blase about his match with Kofi Kingston. Having a bit of time to mull it over, I guess I am liking the fact that his climb is starting with guys who have recently lost titles. It's definitely a good way to get him some momentum towards that cash-in and a credible World Heavyweight Reign. It really feels like they're setting up for that sometime soon-ish.

3. Wait, is this a Divas Storyline? Yeah, the Night of Champions thing is definitely setting up a story in the Divas division that could potentially be really intriguing. Here we have a clear Who Dunnit? scenario with Kaitlyn's attacker, and it turns out Kaitlyn's attacker is a blonde. I am really really hoping it's Raquel Diaz, because she'd do great to come on the show that ruthless, just taking out random Divas because she doesn't like the way she's dyed their hair or whatever. I would also be okay with Natalya, because Natty is fucking BOSS and I wouldn't put it past her to manipulate her way to a title shot.


TNA Impact!

1. Welcome to Championship Thrusday! ... Which has almost nothing to do with the championships! Seriously, I was expecting an "every title defended" kind of deal with that name. Then again, this is the same company that hyped a Star Wars-themed show where the only mention of Star Wars was a trailer for the new re-release IN 3D. I was highly disappointed here. There was a non-title singles triple-threat match between one half of each of the tag teams competing at Bound for Glory (and I expect we'll see the other half of that match next week). There was a #1 Contender match for the Knockouts Title (which featured one half of the Knockouts Tag Champions). There was a tag team main event where the World Champion and challenger fought on the same damn team... The only title that was contested on Championship Thursday was the Television Title, which is pretty much only because Devon left and the vacated title needed to be filled.

2. Hogan is Slow, and Sting Never Gets the Point. Aces & Eights basically kidnapped Hogan & Sting this  week, which I suppose was the only way they were going to get to the clubhouse (seriously, what were they gonna do? Get in the car and use a divining rod to reach their destination?). Then the gang proposed a deal: They will pick two, and TNA will pick two of their best men, and they will fight for custody of Joseph Parks. At first Hogan and Sting assume that they are TNA's two best men, but the leader patiently reiterate to them 3 more times that they are not getting it. Eventually, Hogan gets it and agrees to the deal. However, when they're dropped back off, Sting is still yelling about how it's going to be him. Sting, this is why your career flowchart is a circle. Because you're a dipshit.

3. Your NEW Television Champion! Through a series of eliminations a la Open Fight Night, Hogan narrowed down the applicants to the vacated TV title down to two men: Mr. Anderson and Samoa Joe. I was very heavily leaning towards Samoa Joe, as I'm sure many people were, and I was happily not disappointed. I've been pulling for Joe ever since his losing streak during the BFG series LAST year and the consequent "JOE IS PISSED" semi-storyline that followed. So yeah, I was really happy to see him win the TV title here. I was even happier to see him win by submission when he CHOKED ANDERSON THE FUCK OUT. The beauty of this finish was that when he was handed the title, he was able to make a little tribute by making the "Go To Sleep" sign at the camera. As if to say, "I can also knock men out, and I also have a title." Life made, really.


Friday Night Smackdown!

1. Holy Crap, Thank You WWE. So here's the thing. It's been released that Beth Phoenix has asked for her release. She's got personal issues she's got to deal with, and it's understandable, and so before she leaves, we're being treated to quite a bit of the Glamazon being a badass bitch. Obviously someone in the back likes her, and it's also obvious that our prayers have not fallen on deaf ears. On Friday, we were treated to something truly special in the realm of WWE: a real-life wrestling match between Beth Phoenix and Natalya, These ladies are wrestlers first. Not models, not fucking exotic dancers... WRESTLERS. So it starts with a handshake, and I was already cautiously excited. I expected a quick expose of basic wrestling maneuvers, but I got a lot more than that. I've heard people denounce this and go, "This wasn't a great match. It was mediocre and you people are making it out to be better than it was." No, I'm making it out to be fucking AMAZING considering the source. This is the company that has given us women taking their clothes off on a weekly basis. To see an actual match between two women who actually know what the fuck they're doing is absolutely FANTASTIC. The submission spot when Natty had Beth in the Sharpshooter was probably the best submission I've seen in a while, because Beth sold that spot with everything she had. I just don't have enough good things to say about it, and if you didn't like it, it's probably because YOU got up to pee and missed it, you biased prick.

2. Did He Just Say.. Single... Elimination... Tournament?!? He did!! We've been happily watching the resurgence of the Tag Team division over the last couple of months and now finally there are enough that we can truly focus on it and bring it back to prominence. The Tag Team Championships are in the best shape of any championship right now, and I'll tell you why. First, there's the compelling story of the current Champions. We want to see them succeed because they're so dysfunctional and it just WORKS for them, and they're both entertaining as hell to watch, and I don't think anybody could have predicted that Daniel Bryan and Kane would have this much chemistry together, but they are amazing. Second, there is an entire pool of hungry tag teams, almost all with either matching gear or catchy names, who really really want to break the barrier and take those titles and be able to call themselves the best. Remember how I said I wanted Sandow & Rhodes to become a regular thing and go after the titles? Well, guess what? They competed in the first match in the tournament, and beat the Usos to advance to the second round!

3. Do I have to talk about the WHC picture? I suppose it's kind of the only other thing of note from Friday's show. Turns out Big Show's big entrance on Monday was setting him up to demand a World Heavyweight Title shot. So Friday he got a #1 contender match with Randy Orton, which didn't sit well with Del Rio, who attacked Orton backstage before the match. But Orton competed anyway, because HE'S A MAN, and of course Big Show knocked his lights out and now he's going to face Sheamus at Hell in a Cell. I would have rather seen Orton win, personally. He's one of very few faces I like, and I haven't liked Big Show in a while because lately Creative can only book him as "OMG LOOK AT THIS MAN HE IS HUGE HOW IS [insert wrestler name here] GOING TO OVERCOME THIS." And that just gets kind of old, really fast.