Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Raw 1-23-12

Last Raw before the Royal Rumble! Matches:

1. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. John Cena & CM Punk - 3 out of 5
2. Zack Ryder v. Kane - 2 out of 5
3. Sheamus v. Jinder Majal - 3 out of 5
4. Brodus Clay v. Heath Slater - 2 out of 5
5. R-Truth v. The Miz, loser is #1 entrant in Royal Rumble - 3 out of 5
6. CM Punk v. John Laurinaitis - N/A


GUYS! You are never going to believe this... Chris Jericho finally spoke. During his Highlight Reel segment, he spent most of the time trying to get the audience to be perfectly quiet, and then after teasing them with a t-shirt gun, pointed to the Jeritron, which showed a Chris Jericho video package featuring some of the best moments of his WWE career, starting with his "Save Us Y2J" return, and ending with the "Fuck You, I'm Sparkling" jacket. Then, finally, he said, "This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, it will be the end of the world as you know it." And he will feel fine.

John Cena got his shot at Kane on Sunday, fine. R-Truth beat Miz, making Miz the first entrant into the Royal Rumble. And at the last second, CM Punk was potentially saved from a screwjob by a fax from the Board of Directors. It seems that they are "concerned" about Mr. Laurinaitis' potential abuse of power, and next week (the night after the Rumble), his position will officially be "under review". Conducting that review? None other than Johnny's abusive husband, Triple H. Precocious little CM Punk says, "Ha! Fuck you, Johnny, you're not my real dad."

What? Oh, you didn't think I wasn't going to push that subtext storyline, did you?

Let's see, in other non-Rumble-related news... Kane killed Zack Ryder. Well, he put him through the stage, anyway, and we're being told that Ryder has a broken back. Wade Barrett was on commentary for the Sheamus/Jinder match, being classy as hell. CM Punk challenged Johnny Ace to a match, and Mr. Ace accepted until that fax came in. Then he tried to sic his thirsty lawyer, David Otunga on him, but Punk took him out and then hit Johnny with a GTS. Afterwards, Ziggler showed up and showed off, and this is going to be an interesting match on Sunday, with possibly incredible implications for the Royal Rumble itself later on.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Smackdown 1-20-12

Sin City Smackdown!!!

Matches:

1. Cody Rhodes v. Justin Gabriel - 4 out of 5
2. Epico & Primo v. The Usos - 3 out of 5
3. Brodus Clay v. Vickie Guerrero in a dance-off - 2 out of 5
4. Wade Barrett v. Sheamus in a tables match - 4 out of 5
5. Ted Dibiase v. Hunico in a flag match - 2 out of 5
6. Santino Marella v. Drew McIntyre in a blindfold match - 3 out of 5
7. Daniel Bryan v. Mark Henry in a lumberjack match - 4 out of 5


So the roulette wheel finally made its way to Smackdown, so there were a lot of gimmick matches, which did affect the scores this week. Some, (The Tables and Lumberjack matches) benefited. Some (Like the Flag match) certainly didn't. And some (the blindfold match) probably would have been about the same.

Let's talk about the bad first. The flag match was a terrible idea. Ted DiBiase seemed to express what everyone at home was thinking when the wheel landed. He gestured outwards and looked around, as if to say, "What the Fuck is this Shit?" It bothered me that we were having what was essentially an "America, Fuck Yeah!" match. It also bothered me that the flags weren't set the same. It was obvious that Hunico would have to reach a bit more to grab his flag, which effectively telegraphed the finish (as though we didn't already know how it would turn out).

Drew and Santino had a blindfold match, which sounded like a bad idea, but ended up being very well-executed and a pretty entertaining match. Santino had a mini-blindfold for the cobra, and during the match, he used the audience reaction to determine the position of his opponent. Drew attempted to cheat at one point when the ref was distracted, but it didn't work for him when Santino still found him first.

Now, the good. Wade Barrett got a new chance to put Sheamus through a table. This match was full of great close-call spots. Lots of excellent ring awareness from both parties here. But the main event was where two of the best performances happened. Daniel Bryan continued his slow heel turn by playing the lumberjacks in an extremely cunning way. At first, he used the apron to get out of the ring and away from Henry, while at the same time avoiding the grasp of the lumberjacks. Each time he yelled at them to keep their hands off of him. Eventually, he did make it to the floor, and the man that stole the show, Wade Barrett, had the honor of tossing him back in. When asked what he was doing, Wade just answered, "I'm doing my job. It's him you've got to worry about." Eventually, Bryan had pissed off the lumberjacks so much that they rushed the ring to beat on him, which quickly degenerated into them beating on each other, while Byran took the chance to sneak out of the ring.

This set up the World Heavyweight Title match at the Royal Rumble. Teddy apparently has had enough shenanigans, so now Daniel Bryan has to defend his title in a triple-threat match... in a steel cage. It will be interesting to see how he slithers away from this one.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Impact 1-19-12

Matches:

1. Gunner v. AJ Styles
2. Magnus v. Crimson
3. Mickie James v. Madison Rayne in a Steel Cage
4. Angelina Love v. Eric Young
5. James Storm v. Jeff Hardy for #1 Contender Position


As every storyline was furthered in a match this week, here's the rundown:

Gunner continues to Kill his way to the top. Kazarian interfered at the urging of Christopher Daniels.

Crimson continues to be undefeated, but it looks like Magnus and Samoa Joe have their eyes on the Tag Team Titles, as they beat up on Crimson until Matt Morgan came to the rescue.

Madison Rayne knows more moves than just hitting her partner's opponent with a belt and hiding! Mickie James flattened her, and then met up with her friends (Tara and Velvet) backstage to talk about how Gail Kim is next.

Angelina Love was pissed at Eric and wanted a match. Eric wanted no part of it, but when Angelina and Winter started beating up on ODB, he threw them both out of the ring. ODB laid a big ol' kiss on Eric afterward. Just two crazy kids in love.

Apparently, "fighting" champion Bobby Roode doesn't like the idea of defending his championship, because he interrupted the #1 contenders match and took out both competitors. Logically, of course, he hit James first, which should have ended the match in a DQ and given the win to Hardy, but this is TNA. We already know this is heading to a triple-threat match; the non-finish is just standard practice now.

Actually, one other thing happened that somehow didn't lead to an immediate match. Austin Aries stated no one could possibly beat him anymore. Alex Shelley returned and challenged him. Aries called Shelley a joke, and Shelley said if that was true, he shouldn't be afraid to put up his title. So he will.

Raw 1-16-12

Matches:

1. Epico & Primo v. Air Boom for Tag Team Championship - 3 out of 5
2. Jack Swagger v. Zack Ryder for US Championship - 3 out of 5
3. Kelly Kelly & Alicia Fox v. The Bella Twins (feat. Perez Hilton) - 1 out of 5
4. R-Truth v. Wade Barrett v. The Miz v. Sheamus (Over-the-top-rope challenge) - 2 out of 5
5. John Cena v. Jack Swagger - 4 out of 5
6. Brodus Clay v. JTG - 2 out of 5
7. Mark Henry, David Otunga & Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho, CM Punk & Daniel Bryan - 4 out of 5



Let's get this out of the way, and talk about Johnny Ace's full-on heel turn at the end of the show. This moment could not have been more perfectly timed, I think. Mr. Excitement has spent weeks building himself up as the unpredictable General Manager of Raw, and against our wills, we have fallen in love with him. Somewhere between the walk-out and now, we've gone from saying, "Ugh, why is this guy on our TV? He sucks!" to becoming, as he's dubbed his followers on Twitter, #futureendeavheads. Mehe and I were at the mall recently, discussing Big Johnny's storyline, and we just ended up scratching our heads wondering how we made that journey. It wasn't that we weren't expecting him to turn eventually; that much was certainly inevitable. It's just that we've had such a good time in recent weeks playing the "will he or won't he?" game. No, it's not even that. You know what it is? He's got the charm that every asshole ex-boyfriend relies on to hook a girl in. It's the way he smiles, and tries to be funny in a way that, even though it's not funny, it IS. It's the way he speaks so reassuringly to the cast and to the fans that reminds us that his character is of the bumbling, incompetent leader. That's the reason we've been playing this game. This guy is clearly not capable, so maybe he really is just that much of an idiot that he didn't MEAN to screw Punk, it just happened.

Well, kids, those days are gone. At the end of the show, Laurinaitis came out and screwed Punk over once again. This was more than Punk could take, and he called Johnny out on it before storming out of the ring, vowing not to be screwed out of his title. A visibly shaken Mr. Ace tossed his invisible mullet, reminded us all who he was, and then, after being questioned by Mick Foley, admitted that he feels disrespected and does indeed intend to screw Punk out of his title. Admitted is the wrong word. Boasted would probably be more accurate. Admitted has a connotation of guilt attached to it that took one look at Johnny Ace and ran screaming in the other direction.

Moving on, with the changing hands of the US Title from Zack Ryder to Jack Swagger, and the use of that storyline to further the Cena/Kane "Embrace the Hate" story, it seems official that the US Title is a joke, and that is not changing anytime soon. While Cody Rhodes has done amazimg things for the IC Title, there doesn't seem to be anybody who can step up to the plate for the other midcard title. Dolph Ziggler is amazing, and he could have done so much for that title when he held it, but he was clearly shooting up too fast for it. Zack Ryder is well-loved, but he's not big enough to make it that important. And Jack Swagger? Just fucking forget it.

The Divas segment was a joke. The over-the-top-rope challenge (set by Teddy Long, holla holla!) was pointless other than to remind us that the Royal Rumble is around the corner. Brodus Clay was fun to watch, but a squash is a squash.

The good about Raw? I am now eagerly looking forward to it every single week.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Moving To Planet Funk

I'll admit it, I funking love The Funkasaurus.

He's added so much excitement to the WWE Universe, it's crazy.  Crazy awesome.

I've been bopping and humming and dancing for a week straight now.

Why?

Because he looks like he's having so much fun, but he still looks like he could destroy anyone they put him against.

Fun is totally what we've been missing lately.  Not everyone has to be MR. SUPER SERIOUS all the time.  Especially the big guys.  Look at Sheamus.  He genuinely looks like he's having fun.  His smile is real.

I've seen online where people were disappointed that he didn't follow up on the "Fall of Man" promos that had been aired.  Let's be honest here, people; would you have wanted to see another monster heel running roughshod over everyone only to be stopped by a Wade Barrett or a JERRRRRRRRN CENA?  I don't think so.

That being said, if George Clinton doesn't play him to the ring during his eventual Mania match, I'm gonna be disappointed.

Girls Watch Wrestling Presents...

http://squaredcirclejerks.com/

I'd like to support just about the best wrestling related podcast on the planet!  Go check it out!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Congratulations!

Congratulations are in order for my good friend (who coincidentally is named Glenn) and his fiancee, who have just set a date for their wedding... MAY 19TH!!!


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Smackdown 1-13-12

Matches:

1. Justin Gabriel v. Heath Slater - 3 out of 5
2. Cody Rhodes v. Ezekiel Jackson - 3 out of 5
3. Ted DiBiase v. Drew McIntyre - 3 out of 5
4. Sheamus v. Jinder Majal
5. David Otunga v. Santino Marella - 4 out of 5
6. Brodus Clay v. Tyson Kidd - 2 out of 5
7. Tamina v. Natalya - 2 out of 5
8. Daniel Bryan v. Mark Henry - 4 out of 5


I love it when WWE is in Mexico, or in a heavily Spanish-speaking area. I get a little practice in listening, and the Superstar heels get a chance to offend people in two languages! Cody Rhodes came out early in the show and accused the majority of the audience of being illegal immigrants, and he reveled in the hate it garnered him. Oh, he also promised to pull an Ultimate Warrior, and become WWE champ while holding the Intercontinental title. This, folks, is how you make the midcard titles mean something again. I'm still pulling for Wade Barrett in the Royal Rumble (although it will probably end up being Sheamus), but now, I'm secretly hoping for Cody to pull it out. I want to see this plan come to fruition.

Speaking of Wade Barrett, nobody can make "God Save the Queen" sound like "You can all go to Hell" quite like he can. Everything about him is amazing. I love the hair, I want to do terrible, unspeakable things on his coat, and of course there's the accent. It's almost like type-casting, to portray the Englishman as a bad guy, but Wade just soaks it up. Nothing but good things to come here.

Speaking of good things to come, the women's division may just be looking stronger after last night. No, I'm not talking about Natalya and Tamina. They're wonderfully refreshing actual talent, if they could just demonstrate what they're capable of. No, the breakout Diva of the night was AJ. That incredibly brave little girl took a giant bump from Big Show at the end of the show. This, to me, shows she's willing to take risks and it only gave me more reason to love her. She's cute, she's perky, she loves the business, and she has great potential to go far. Keep an eye on this one, folks. She's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Impact 1-12-12

Matches:

1. Matt Morgan & Crimson v. Robbie E & Robbie T
2. ODB v. Winter
3. James Storm v. Kurt Angle
4. Bobby Roode v. Jeff Hardy


I didn't even bother to make notes last night, and I'm not even going to bother to rate the matches. ODB and Winter was well worth watching, if for no other reason than that she and EY have amazing chemistry together. Whoever thought of booking those two as a team should get a medal, because it's the best thing the company has done this year. Other than that, it was nice to see Winter back in the ring again. Earlier in the day I was thinking about how it was Impact night and I suddenly realized that we hadn't seen her in quite some time. It's like TNA was reading my thoughts... from the future... or something.

The rest of the show surrounding that match, however, was a clusterfuck. I'm not sure they know how the whole pay-per-view thing works. Or maybe their talent just doesn't care or understand that a PPV performance should have pretty much most of the exciting spots, and that's where they should spend their energy. Okay, first of all, half of the card for the following weekly program should not consist of PPV rematches. And if it does, the performers should not be working harder to make a more exciting match than the one people at home paid for.

... Maybe that's the problem. Is anyone actually paying for it?

Moving along, let's look at some developments from last night... Since Storm and Angle are both keen on regaining the World Heavyweight Championship, and also keen on beating the hell out of each other some more, Sting booked them for a #1 contenders match. The winner would be taking on the winner of the Roode/Hardy match at Against All Odds. Meanwhile, over at the Roode/Hardy match, it was sometimes hard to tell if anyone had the upper hand. James Storm, having beaten Angle, I'm sure was watching breathlessly from the back. Or maybe he was like the rest of us, having a beer, still thinking about AJ Styles' Epic Mic Skills, and wondering what the hell Christopher Daniels has over Kazarian, who looks like someone just ran over his puppy.

Anyway, like I was saying, Roode tried to wrestle Hardy while Hardy did his best to use his own body as a ranged weapon, flying from every direction, and possibly injuring himself in the process. It's a good thing those fangirls were in the front row to remind him that a Creature of the Night never quits! Jeff hit one Twist of Fate/Swanton combo, which Roode sold like death only to resurrect himself immediately. He beat up Hardy some more only to be hit with ANOTHER ToF/Swanton. I was about to get up and leave the room in anger as the ref was counting, but I didn't get the chance before Bully Ray beamed down from the Starship Trending #1 Worldwide on Twitter and pulled the ref out. That finish was so muddled, I don't even know what to call it. DQ? No-Contest? I think TNA just gained a level in Confuse.

A quick note about Hardy before I finish. I've stated before that I'm a very forgiving person, and willing to give him another chance if he can show that he's truly cleaned himself up and can still perform. And he can still perform. That's not to say that I don't think he's really turned his life around; that is still to be seen. And that is why I'm so pissed off with him being right back in the title picture. It's too soon. I don't know if the company is just trying to keep him busy, or give him motivation to keep it up, but they should be working a climbing-his-way back-up angle. That, I think, would motivate him more for the long-term, if he had to spend about a year going through the rest of the roster in order to get back on top. So I guess my problem here isn't actually Jeff; it's the people behind the scenes going, "Oh, Jeff Hardy's back; we can put him in a title match again." And the worst part of the angle is that Jeff's biggest supporter is Sting. The man who had to put him down when he was at his worst. Way to totally miss the point, TNA.

Oh, and ten bucks says Garrett Bischoff's new trainer is Hogan.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Raw 1-10-12

Matches:

1. Sheamus & Santino Marella v. Wade Barrett & Jinder Majal - 3 out of 5
2. Daniel Bryan v. Kofi Kingston - 3 out of 5
3. Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins - ??? out of 5
4. CM Punk v. Jack Swagger - 4 out of 5
5. Beth Phoenix v. Eve - N/A
6. Dolph Ziggler v. John Cena - 3 out of 5



I realized when I woke up this morning that I've been neglecting to keep up with updates for Royal Rumble. Two weeks ago, of course, Dolph Ziggler won the right to face CM Punk for the WWE Championship. The fangirling in this house aside, this was just the beginning of what has the potential to become a very interesting storyline. The reason Ziggler's contendership is interesting is because it was caused by the distraction of John Laurinaitis, who was supposedly there in the interest of justice. Embarrassed by his mistake, last week Mr. Ace announced that he would be the special guest referee in the match... except he made the same mistake of coming out to ringside during the match to announce it, causing another frustrating loss for Punk. Last night, he came out before the match started to announce that if Punk won his match, Swagger and Vickie would be banned from ringside. The match ended with Punk winning, but it was a controversial and completely blown call by the ref, who counted a pin when Swagger got his shoulder up before 3. I have to be honest, I was completely expecting Laurinaitis to restart the match, maybe even get a new official out there, but the Exec. VP of Talent Relations just applauded Punk for his efforts and left. Hmm.

Other storyline developments this week: Kane continued his reign of terror on John Cena, this time by spending all night stalking Zack Ryder. Zack proved to be an easy mark at the end of the night, unfortunately. Eve was all ready for a match against Beth Phoenix, but the arena suddenly turned red and Kane's music blared. Zack rushed out to save her, and they ran out to his car, but the tire was flat, and he took forever to change it, allowing Kane to get hold of him... but not before John Cena was halfway through a match of his own. The show ended last night with Kane towering over the carnage he had created.

Jericho showed up and said nothing again. Jericho, you glorious bastard. Girls Watch Wrestling love you.

We had the first of our WWE Hall of Fame announcements last night, and it was a double-header! First we learned that Edge will be inducted. Mehe raged, and I just rolled my eyes. It's practically customary for WWE to induct a wrestler as soon as he retires, but seeing as how they're going to Toronto next year, that seemed like that would be a perfect time and place for him. Besides, I can see the rush in a lot of cases. The wrestling bug is clearly a strong one, and there are some guys (you know who you are, TNA superstars) who go in and out of retirement every other month. But with Edge, there's no fear of that. He's young, and he's in relatively good shape. He definitely could have been held off for one year to be inducted at home.

Also being inducted this year are the Four Horsemen. One wonders exactly how TNA execs feel about Ric Flair being inducted while working for another company, but I expect he'll show. He was there to congratulate Shawn Michaels while working for TNA, and besides that, he's Ric Flair. He's insane. If Flair wants to go to the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, you let him go, or you get chopped. Or, these days, you might get killed by Gunner. Who knows. My point is, Ric Flair is like a 900-pound gorilla. He goes where he damn well pleases.

Now, let's get to the real story of the night. No, not Kane/Cena "let the hate flow through you". Not Jeritroll refusing to speak. Not even the No-DQ battle Bryan has against the Big Show on Friday. That's right, I'm talking about the long-awaited return of Brodus Clay. Now I see why they stopped showing his promos quickly, and why they kept him out for so long. You can't just go from Alberto Del Rio's Personal Opponent Wrecking Machine to The Funkasaurus overnight. There has to be a process. A long one. One, I imagine, that involves watching lots and lots of tapes of every wrestler who's gimmick has involved dancing. Ever. In fact, when he debuted last night, I immediately yelled out (and consequntly Tweeted), "Where's Disco Inferno? Where's The Godfather? Where's Rikishi???" As it turns out, I wasn't the only one having these thoughts. Today on r/SquaredCircle, there's a new sidebar image of Godfather that simply says "Debutin' Ain't Easy".

The internet: Meme-ing, Gif-ing, and Parodying in real time.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Trolling for the win

Just a quickie here:

That Brodus Clay debut owned the entire Raw telecast.

Smackdown 1-6-12

Matches:

1. Cody Rhodes v. Booker T - 4 out of 5
2. Hornswaggle v. Heath Slater - 2 out of 5
3. Hunico v. Ted DiBiase - 3 out of 5
4. Santino Marella v. Drew McIntyre - 4 out of 5
5. Primo & Epico v. Air Boom - 3 out of 5
6. Tamina v. Natalya - 3 out of 5
7. Daniel Bryan v. The Big Show - 4 out of 5


There were two performers this week that stood out as better than expected this week. Booker T showed us again why he trains. He didn't come out on top in his match with Cody Rhodes, but a second match certainly satisfies the result of the first two. Booker still has the goods, if he chose to go that route. Personally, I have enjoyed seeing him get into the action briefly, but I think the company is lucky to have a talented trainer. With so much fresh talent coming up the ranks, they need a guy like Booker to be showing them how it's done. Meanwhile, Santino Marella is showing distinct signs of having a shitload of talent hidden under that Cobra.

Tamina and Natalya were amazing this week... and why shouldn't they be? A big deal was made pre-match about the family legacies these two ladies were carrying. They weren't as amazing as they could have been, however. It stands to reason, however. The division is filled with half-talented models who want to be seen as wrestling superstars. If these two superwomen were to unleash the kind of match we all KNOW they are capable of, even the sheep would turn on the likes of Kelly Kelly and Eve. I have noticed lately, however, that the spotlight has been less on them in recent weeks and more on Nattie and Beth. Layla, as I understand it, is basically clear for a return soon, and my hopes are that she teams up with Tamina to take down the Sisters of Destruction. I MISS Layla. She took a while to develop fully, but that woman has become the example of what a Diva Search winner should be.

Finally, Daniel Bryan went full heel, literally willing to do anything to keep his title. His match with Big Show was mostly one-sided, though Bryan showed his moveset, even managing to get a LeBell Lock on Show before he escaped the ring and provoked Mark Henry into attacking him for a DQ. The real highlights of this match, however, didn't happen in the ring. They happened at the announce table. Mark Henry joined the commentators to watch, since he's also looking to regain the title. I was never a fan of Mark before this monster heel run. I was turned during his first pay-per-view match with Randy Orton. But Smackdown completely cemented him as an entertaining personality to look forward to. Michael Cole could barely get a word in edgewise with Henry cutting him off at every pass. At one point, Cole was in mid-sentence, and Henry just said, "If you say one more word, I swear I will slap the taste right outta your mouth." Cole's response? He simply said, "Yes, sir." Like a 12-year-old boy who's just been reprimanded by the teacher and sentenced to detention.

I think Cole's been so busy burying the talent, it was only a matter of time before he got a taste of his own medicine.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Raw 1-2-12

Welcome to the first show of the year! What an awesome rush!!

Matches:

1. Daniel Bryan v. Cody Rhodes - 4 out of 5
2. Wade Barrett v. Santino Marella - 3 out of 5
3. Sheamus v. The Miz - N/A
4. Dolph Ziggler v. CM Punk - 4 out of 5
5. The Bella Twins v. Kelly Kelly & Eve - 1 out of 5
6. John Cena, Big Show & Zack Ryder v. Mark Henry & Jack Swagger - 3 out of 5


Okay, okay, first things first: Marks all across the internet were vindicated when the 1/2/2011 promos did, in fact, turn out to be for Jericho. Thankfully, my boyfriend didn't have to tie anyone down (rope was ready for Mehe in case it was the Undertaker, or for me if it miraculously ended up Shane), but we were all leaned forward on the couch, waiting and ready to hear what Y2J had to say... which was absolutely nothing. Everyone in the stands and at home went from totally excited, to slightly confused as he ran around like a maniac for ten minutes. There the reactions split. Those who got it, got excited again. Those who didn't, were totally pissed off. Jericho is an amazing, ever-evolving personality, and I can't wait to see what he's up to.

Speaking of amazing personalities, there are quite a few I'd like to talk about. Mehe was saying a while back, before belts were put on deserving performers, that a champion-vs-champion match these days wouldn't mean anything. Now, however, it's a treat to see Rhodes & Bryan kicking off the new year with one. The continuity in this match was amazing, from Cody working Bryan's arm to hopefully take the Labelle Lock out of the picture, to him protecting his face as Bryan backed him into a corner and mercilessly delivered a series of high kicks, the bout was pretty much flawless. And let's not discount our former US champ Dolph Ziggler and current WWE champion CM Punk. I am very okay with these two feuding it out on my TV every Monday. You'll notice that those two matches are the highest rated this week, and that is no accident. I can't wait to see how John Laurinaitis figures into the equation at the Royal Rumble.

Finally, we come to the main event. It was turned into a handicap elimination match at the last second because Kane decided he was not participating. The match itself was nothing spectacular, but what happened AFTER the match was the real meat of the situation. Ryder and Cena were the last two men standing when it was all over, and when Kane's music hit, Cena headed to the ramp to meet him. Unfortunately, Kane didn't enter from backstage... he came up through the ring. By the time Cena figured out what was happening, it was too late. Kane grabbed him and suffocated him for the second straight week, and then he entered the ring to drag Ryder back into Hell with him. Luckily, Cena came to his senses just in time and pulled him out, but a massive explosion of fire from the hole in the ring made the message loud and clear that this is not over... not by a longshot.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Mehe Watches WrestleMania IX

Generally regarded as one of the worst Wrestlemanias, I decided to watch it while dying my hair to be more like Sheamus.

Here's a summary of my thought patterns:

We open with Finkus Maximus and JR in a toga.  Remembering that this was JR's first televison assignment doesn't ease my embarrassment for the poor man.  They started in on him early, didn't they?

Man, Macho Man was a pimp.

Lol, Bobby Heenan backwards on a camel.

Shawn Michaels vs Tatanka? Really?  Okay... I'll buy it.

What the hell was Luna doing?  And Sensational Sherri?  Macho, you know how tough Sherri was, why are you acting like two kicks to her ribs was a Super Destroyer?

HAHA! Scotty Steiner's gear is so eighties I wanna pull out some aquanet and destroy the ozone layer as I tease my hair.  Whoa, is that Rikishi?  It's Rikishi!  He's so thin!  He sure wasn't doing this for the Rock.  Or the people.

Holy crap, is that ref Bill Alfonso? IT IS! Crazy.  Where's his whistle? Oh, wait, nevermind, I don't miss it.

Doink the Clown was part of the reason I feared clowns as a child.  I still do.  Fucking clownshoes.

Scott Hall used to be someone.  This musta been before the drugs.  Bob Backlund's damned impressive for a 43 year old man.

I sure did love Money Inc.  What was the reason for Hulk's eye being busted and stitched up?  It's an ugly looking injury.  *quick wiki check*   Daaaaaamn, Mach, you did that to him? Good for you!

Wait, Jimmy's jacket is reversible?  That can't be legal!  It's not.

WTF is Natalie Cole doing here?  I don't miss Todd Pettingill.

More Manias need to be held outside.

Woo Hoo! Mr. Perfect!  I loved that guy.  ...vs Lex Luger? Crap.  Wait, Lex is the heel and Curt's the face?  What crazyland is this?  Oh, man, Curt botched the interview segment. Guess he wasn't so perfect after all.

WHAT THE HELL IS LEX WEARING?  It's blinding.  Those poor women with him can't see!  This gimmick sucked.  At least he didn't have that giant mirror with him.  Oh, wait, the girls all have mirrors.  Great.  If they focus the beams of light, maybe they could fry him.  Who thought putting sparklers on the mirrors was a good idea?

OOO I LOVED MR. PERFECT'S MUSIC!!!

Staredown.  Yawn.

Dayglo yellow tights. That spells class right there.  You know what else spells class? Ass tassels on Lex Luger.  This match is really slow.  Dolph Ziggler really does channel Curt when he wrestles.  All the way down to the mussed up hair.  I wish Dolph would adopt a singlet.  I wonder if Joe Hennig ever watches his dad's old matches and wonders why he can't be this good.  Genetics aren't everything in wrestling, it seems.

Luger didn't have much of a moveset, did he?  How was he ever over?  Good heeling by Lex with the feet on the ropes.  That graphic that they just threw up is really distracting.  It takes up a quarter of the screen...

Inside cradle, no cigar.  That's from the Macho Man's mouth, not mine.

This match goes for ten minutes? Oh, look, Lex cheated to win.  Am I surprised? No.  Wait, was this when they were saying that Lex had a plate in his arm.  It must be, because there's no way a forearm shot would put Curt down.  Oh, Curt's pissed.  It's really weird to hear Bobby disparaging Curt, knowing he used to manage him.

STREET FIGHT! AWESOME!

Shawn's wearing cowboy boots.  Hey, a rare Hebner twins sighting!

Poor JR is stuck between a fighting Bobby and Macho Man.

Gorrilla wears a toga well.

OH BOY IT'S UNDERTAKER TIME!  I LOVE THE UNDERTAKER!!!

Ok, seriously, who thought this airbrushed suit on Gonzales was a good idea?  It's a travesty unto my eyes.  There's fur airbrushed onto this thing.  ...Hey, that fan just threw up a middle finger! Right in the middle of the screen.

I remember this match.  This was when I still believed.

Taker with that vulture is fucking awesome.  Macho just said that a "man who surrounds himself with darkness sheds a lot of light."  Yes, yes he does.  I love that coat Taker's wear... WHY DID THEY AIRBRUSH BUTTCRACK ON THE SUIT?!

Grey and black Taker is my favorite Undertaker.

It's Alfonso again!

I'm so not used to seeing Undertaker have to look up to anyone.

BIG RIGHT HAND!

I miss the Undertaker.

Wow, he's really tat-free here.  Lol, only the Undertaker would no sell a nutshot.  I remember little Mehe sitting on the edge of the couch for this match.  I was a worried Creature of the Night (and fuck you, Jeff Hardy, for stealing that from Taker.  Once a Creature, always a Creature, you drugged up asshole.)

Randy, king of the exaggeration.  Palm the ring indeed.

I gotta give major props to Undertaker for wrestling with that much hair in his face.  I have a lot of hair, and when it gets in my face like that, I can barely see.

Paul Bearer was awesome.  So was the urn.

...Is this THAT match? The one with the chloroform? Oh my god, it is.  Hello, Bill? Can't you see the rag in his hand?  DO SOMETHING!  Useless ref.

Even after all this time, I don't like seeing Taker laid out in the ring.  Never have, never will.

Undertaker was soooooo good at selling everything.  He's selling this cloroform like death.

Oh, great, Gonzales has Bill Alfonso.  BOOOOOO THIS MAN.

Man, Paul Bearer could pull some weird faces.

WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE CALLING FOR HOGAN?

TAKER'S BACK! Not even cloroform can keep him down.

With that match, I think my official 'dead wrestler count' is at six.

Make it seven with the appearance of Yokozuna.  I'm not even gonna try to downplay the sadness of that.  Seven people in a pay per view from just over 19 years ago.

Man, Macho REALLY did a number on Hogan's eye.  ...Why was a I a Hulkamaniac?

The Jap.  Classy, Hulkster.  Really classy.

Great, Todd's back.

Hey, geishas!

I love that they're passing off a samoan from Hawaii as a Japanese man.

YEAH! BRET!  I had made up my own lyrics to his theme.  They went "WE'RE ALL FOR BRET HART NOW! WE'RE ALL FOR BRET HART NOW!"

Now that I listen to it, it sounds like the theme to Miami Vice.

That winged eagle belt was a beautiful belt.

Good grief, Yoko's leg looks like a giant turkey leg to me.

These fans are chanting USA during a match between a Canadian and a "Japanese" man.  Stellar.

There would be one sure way to break that nerve hold that Yoko had on Bret.  Purple Nurple.

Thank you, Brain, for reiterating my personal thought pattern about the fans chanting USA.

Damn, Bret, you got a sharpshooter on that guy.

OH GOD THE DREADED BABY POWDER ATTACK.  New champion!

...and here comes Hulk Hogan to bring the focus back on him.  How did I not realize back then that Hogan was a scene stealing glory hound?

Oh, because it was 1993 and I was twelve.

Hogan's champ again.  Yay.  For fuck's sake.  I know the little Mehe was celebrating, but the grown up Mehe is disgusted.



And that's WRESTLEMANIA IX!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Smackdown 12-30-11

Last show of the year!

Matches:

1. Jinder Majal v. Ted Dibiase - 2 out of 5
2. Kaitlyn & Alicia Fox v. Natalya & Tamina - 2 out of 5
3. Hunico v. Justin Gabriel - 3 out of 5
4. Big Show v. David Otunga - 2 out of 5
5. Ezekiel Jackson v. Drew McIntyre - 4 out of 5
6. Sheamus v. Heath Slater - 3 out of 5
7. Wade Barrett v. Randy Orton - 4 out of 5


Barrett and Orton's huge battle was the story of the night, of course, ending in a No Contest when Randy ended up at the bottom of a flight of stairs. WWE had already been reporting that Orton was injured immediately after the show was taped, breaking the illusion of a "live" show, so we were already interested to see how it happened and if this might be, as the marks on our favorite wrestling forum immediately cried, a work.

So the match worked its way backstage, onto an elevator, and into a stairwell, with cameras struggling to keep up with their progress. The camera that caught the last few moments of the match conveniently paused at the door, choosing instead to catch glimpses of the fight through the narrow window on the door. It didn't breach the door until after Randy's fall, so we didn't actually see anything. Now, while it's entirely possible that Randy tripped and botched an already planned work, the result is that it feels like the workiest work that ever worked.

As you can see from the match list, not much else happened this week. Teddy Long did set a title match between Daniel Bryan and The Big Show for next week. One can only wonder how Bryan will get out of that alive, but I expect one of them ought to commit to their heel turn before the night is out.